


Tick, Tock

by wednesdayj



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M, supposedly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-20
Updated: 2012-10-20
Packaged: 2017-11-16 16:51:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/541719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wednesdayj/pseuds/wednesdayj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When facing imminent death, what's the last thing you'll think of?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tick, Tock

_Tick_

Professor Snape finds himself to be rather confused about which side he’s really on and so just stands in the middle hoping no one will notice.

_Tock_

Padma Patil is getting frantic – no matter where she looks, she can’t find her sister and she thinks that if she’s going to die, she wants someone just as pretty beside her. After all, no one wants to leave an ugly corpse, right?

_Tick_

 

Fleur Delacour-Weasley knows exactly what her husband is after right now, but she's ignoring him in favour of his brother, Charlie, who, in her opinion, has the most wonderful backside…

 

_Tock_

 

If she finds the little sh- _delinquent_  who covered her office in bright pink and baby blue paw prints, Minerva McGonagall thinks she may kill them.

 

_Tick_

 

Oddly enough, Harry Potter is not thinking about death or war or battle, but rather last night’s rhubarb pie and how he could do with another piece right about now. That, or some chocolate cake – he’s not too fussed, as long as there’s pudding.

 

_Tock_

Ginny Weasley wants to know why Hermione is staring at her like that, like she’s a piece of meat. It’s creepy and not at all welcome.

 

_Tick_

 

Whilst thinking about Potter’s firm and sculpted backside, Draco Malfoy wishes for a moment that he was on the side of good, just so he could be so _very_ bad. And then he realises what he’s thinking, and promptly slaps himself.  

 

_Tock_

 

Cho Chang never really liked Harry. She just liked how he looked on her arm. Same with Cedric. She thinks it a shame they both had to die – it doesn’t really reflect well on her future dating prospects.

 

 _Tick_  

 

Fred Weasley ponders silently over life and death and wonders if he should have slept with Angelina Johnson once before he died.

 

_Tock_

 

George Weasley slaps his twin around the head and without words tells him that he should be thinking of his own wife, Katie.

 

_Tick_

 

Pointing his wand subtly at Voldemort’s feet, Filius Flitwick forces the Dark Lord’s shoe laces to tie themselves together and giggles quietly to himself. Let it never be said that war couldn’t be fun.

 

_Tock_

 

Justin Finch-Fletchly knew he should have gone to Eton.

 

_Tick_

 

Scrubbing furiously at the pink and blue paint on his hands, Seamus Finnigan slowly edges away from an irate McGonagall, scared that she may grow claws and scratch off his manly bits, of which he is rather attached to.

 

_Tock_

 

Hermione Granger watches Ginny unabashedly and wonders if, perhaps, she went after the wrong Weasley.

 

_Tick_

 

As she stands in front of the school doors, neutral Slytherin Daphne Greengrass wonders whether now is a good time to tell Ernie that she’s always fancied him and Theodore Nott that his penis really is freakishly small.

 

_Tock_

 

Molly Weasley was in the middle of making dinner and did not appreciate being dragged away from her pots and pans even for Voldemort.

 

_Tick_

 

Hagrid is reeling over the news that his beloved Norbert turned out to be a beloved _Norbetta_ , who is currently shacked up with the Horntail in Romania, doing unspeakable things together, and how he was going to be a Grandpappy soon... Oh, they grow up so fast...

 

_Tock_

 

Vincent Crabbe wants to know if Gregory ever fancied him.

 

_Tick_

 

Zacharias Smith is busy preparing a lovely  "Thank you"  card for Potter and his defeat of You-Know-Who filled with Bubotuber Puss. That one never gets old.

_Tock_

 

Sybil Trelawney is wondering why she never saw today coming, and blames it on a faulty crystal ball.

_Tick_

 

His wand in his pocket and his arms crossed over his chest, Lord Voldemort hopes he looks more menacing that he feels, because he has a cold and a runny nose will never scare anyone. Although snotting on Potter might be a good distraction…

 

_Tock_

 

Ernie MacMillan wants to know that if they lose today, will they all be put on Chocolate Frog cards and if his can say  “Ernie MacMillian loved the ladies and the ladies loved him” ? Because “Ernie MacMillan, war victim, virgin” isn’t really a good epitaph.

 

_Tick_

 

Unknowingly, Dean Thomas has just trod rather heavily on the foot of an invisible Narcissa Malfoy. If he was aware, he might have enjoyed it a hell of a lot more.  

_Tock_

 

In a rare moment of intelligent thought, Ron Weasley wonders if there is any significance to today’s battle being on Harry’s eighteenth birthday, or if it just happened that way. That, and he hopes they don’t miss dinner.

_Tick_

Parvati Patil can see her sister, but can’t reach her through the crowds.

 

_Tock_

 

Nymphadora Tonks is trying her hardest not to stand too close to the Weasley’s, lest her red/orange hair clash. She could change it, but that would just be admitting defeat.   

 

_Tick_

 

As Kingsley Shacklebolt looks upon the advancing enemy, he sighs to himself and thinks that just this morning he was the Prime Minister's footstall. Oh, how simple life was back then.

_Tock_

 

Narcissa Malfoy is doing all she can to not howl in pain and kill the little Mudblood who just tried to break her toes and ruin her hundred galleon stilettos.

_Tick_

As she glances over at Ron, who is patting his stomach and looking pensive, Lavender Brown wonders where it all went wrong. Probably in the bedroom.

_Tock_

 

Albus Dumbledore, who has just floated through the outer walls of the castle, has just turned back around, deciding that challenging Moaning Mrytle to a U-Bend Swimming contest would be much more exciting.

 

_Tick_

 

Pomona Sprout ponders whether now would be a good time to cancel that order of dragon manure.

_Tock_

 

Susan Bones is used to being ignored – one of the perils of being a Hufflepuff, she thinks – but today, on the day she’s most likely going to die, she’s not going to be ignored any longer. Today she’s going to fight as hard as she can.  Wearing absolutely nothing.  

_Tick_

 

Walden Macnair is panicking over his axe not matching his shoes.

 

_Tock_

 

Luna Lovegood can’t remember if she wore underwear that morning but decides that checking would just alert the vahgifaeries.

 

_Tick_

 

After having an _intimate_  discussion with Bane, Delores Umbridge is left wondering how much of a man is in that centaur...

 

_Tock_

 

As Marcus Flint is hit in the face with a rock, he hopes he can now get his teeth fixed and be the quidditch star who wins Witch Weekly's Smile Award this year. Or at least get a date. He's not fussed.

_Tick_

 

The only one left in the castle, Neville Longbottom looks under the bed for his other trainer, before realising he left it in the kitchens.

 

_Tock_

 

There is nothing like a bit of blood and death, Millicent Bulstrode thinks as she pats her stomach, to make you ready for a roast dinner.  

 

_Tick_

 

Fenrir Greyback has gotten the munchies and wonders if that Lucius Malfoy would miss his poncy little son terribly…

_Tock_

 

Arthur Weasley thinks he may have just figured out how to put the toaster in his potting shed back together and is itching to go home and try without Molly’s interference.

_Tick_

 

Michael Corner notices the way Granger is leering at Ginny Weasley and hopes he can join in on the fun later - or at least die with that little fantasy in his head.

 

_Tock_

 

Dennis Creevy is feeling rather happy with himself – he just ‘accidentally’ touched Harry Potter’s arse and no one slapped him for it. He really should find Colin and tell him.

 

_Tick_

 

Poppy Pomfrey is hanging a  "Harry Potter"  sign over one of the infirmary beds. She knows she is going to see him today, so she may as well make it official.

 

_Tock_

 

As Voldemort’s second in command and all around dogsbody, you would think that Lucius Malfoy’s mind would be focused on protecting his Master and making sure he stays alive, but it’s not, for Lucius has a much, much bigger problem – he’s found a split end.

_Tick_

 

Argus Filch is thinking over how probable his death is. He figures highly probable. What is still unsure is which side will get to him first.

 

_Tock_

 

Mrs. Norris is getting a little pissed off that she hasn’t been fed this morning and is wandering off towards the Death Eaters to find a rat.

 

_Tick_

 

Penelope Clearwater is considering the moral ambiguity of placing bets on fights to the death between good and evil.  She has 10-1 odds on only 5 of the Weasley siblings making it.

 

_Tock_

 

Pansy Parkinson wonders if running up to Professor Snape and jumping on him, screaming  “Take me now before we perish, love muffin!”  would really be a good idea.

_Tick_

Irma Pince is a woman on a mission. The Granger girl has gotten stains on the on the library’s only copy of  “How to Charm Your Way into Her Pants”  and she   _must_  pay.

_Tock_

 

There are a million and one thoughts running through her mind, but the one that Bellatrix Lestrange is most fond of is the one where she’s got little baby Potter tied up to her bed.

 

_Tick_

 

Eloise Midgen is wondering if there was any point in have her nose put back on straight when it's more than likely going to get blown off again today.

 

_Tock_

 

Peter Pettigrew, known as Wormtail since he was fifteen years old, is currently sitting in Rastaban’s pocket, nibbling on the man’s wand as if it were a chew toy and avoiding Mrs Norris.

_Tick_

 

Blaise Zabini, who hasn’t said a single word to anyone in his entire Hogwarts life, decides now would be a good time to start talking and eloquently sums up the situation with a  “Fuck”.  

 

_Tock_

 

Colin Creevy is hoping that one of Harry’s used condoms (which he bravely snuck into the seventh year boys dorms to get) in his back pocket will bring him luck today. After all, old sperm from their saviour has to be good for something, right?

 

_Tick_

 

As she hides Looney Lovegood’s remaining piece of underwear, Su Li snickers to herself, knowing the spacey twat would never even notice it gone. 

_Tock_

 

Gregory Goyle wonders if someone can die from sniffing their own farts and if it would be a good way to go.

_Tick_

 

Remus Lupin wants to know what it feels like to infect someone with Lycanthropy and if it would help the war effort in any way if he ran up and bit Voldemort on the shin.

 

_Tock_

Dedalus Diggle is looking for some colourful celebration robes with a matching hat.  Velvet hats never go out of style.

_Tick_

Bill Weasley, good looking guy and curse breaker extraordinaire, is currently edging towards his wife, Fleur, hoping he can convince her that one last blowjob would be the most perfect ending to their 2 year marriage. The outlook isn’t good.

_Tock_

The world explodes. 


End file.
